July 31, 2003
Talk to me!
Ok, so I am off to the shrink solo tonight. I really HATE going anymore. I want to work through these issues in my marriage, however I don’t want my husband to continue to find things about me that are “wrong”.
So he thought I was too emotional so I started taking paxil, he thinks I drink too much so I cut it our during the week, I am obsessed with my animals, so as my rats go to the bridge (4) I don’t get others, poor Jack is all by himself, now he thinks I am bi-polar. Holy cow, maybe I should just check myself in somewhere and take a break. He says I spend too much time with my animals, yet he is out of town every other week, and Tuesday night when he was supposed to go out to an “optional” dinner with some people from work I called and asked him to come home because I was feeling really crummy, and he wanted to know if “it was an emergency”. NO I just don’t feel well, and don’t want to cook for Jacob. Then last night he didn’t even get home until after 7:30.
July 28, 2003
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My friend C who found out she had breast cancer, had her appointment with her oncologist following her lumpectomy and the prognosis is very good!! All those prayers worked. If you want to read about how strong she is, and about her horse and dogs, and rat go here.
We got back from Portland last night. We had lots of fun, but I am always happy to be home. I really miss my animals, and I won’t see the dogs until later today. I really wish that we could have picked them up last night, but no kennel has a Sunday pick up. Besides they stay at the vets, and I don’t worry about them there as they get excellent care.
A visit to Powell’s bookstore in Portland was an incredible experience. I found a big selection of animal stories and added several to my collection; and read 2 of them before I got home. I also got Kate Remembered, and The Sweet Potato Queens Book of Love. I have a fairly good collection of stories about animals. Mostly dogs. They are usually non-fiction and are usually a bit sad. I bout one called Bea, and I have to get a copy to Karma as it is all about a Beagle. It is a wonderful story, with a sad happy ending.
July 24, 2003
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I feel as if I am getting a lot done today. I am in a good mood since we are leaving for the weekend tomorrow. A mini vacation. The escrow closes on our refinance today. I got a call yesterday that they needed all this money, and with Andy being in Chicago I was at a loss on how to deal with it. Apparently he had all the money and didn’t think they would need it when it funded. Duh! Anyway he is dealing with it when he fly’s in this afternoon.
I need a book to read. I have several on my stack, and am not sure which one to start. The Hours, Taps, Mrs. Frisby and the Rats of Nimh or God Save the Sweet Potato Queens. I need to read The Sweet Potato Queens Book of Love before the sequel, and I want to get the Biography of Katherine Hepburn that was released as soon as she died. I will probably take The Hours, as I saw the movie and would like to explore the characters a bit more.
Yesterday I spent a little time at World of Blogs looking for some reads and found a few that looked interesting, I will follow them, if I get time, and add them to the links if they are good or interesting.
July 23, 2003
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Friday we leave for Portland. We are attending the MICRO Brewers Festival. My husband has been a hobby brewer for years, and this kind of thing gets him off. I enjoy the City, good restaurants, the Saturday market the public transportation is super, and we always stay in a nice hotel. This year we are staying at the Heathman.
I stopped drinking during the week last week so Andy would get off my back. On Sunday I had a little too much wine. The girls (Candice and Natalie we over) and I was stressed around them. They must have said something to Andy because he said something to me. So this week I did the same thing. I am not sure what he is thinking. He said he thought I was bi-polar! Is he crazy or what? He left for Chicago yesterday, so to night I will at least do what I want whatever it might be.
Sometimes I think that I have to be so perfect. First he was upset about my temper and moods. So I started taking paxil. My PMS is better so now it needs to be something else. I have one or two drinks in the evening, and now I have a problem and am bi-polar. So he says he likes me better when I don’t drink. Well I felt like saying, I like you better when you tell me you love me, its only been 2 years since you did. Not only that for the last 2 years, actually 3, he has been getting me gifts like expensive wine and champagne, glasses for cocktails etc. He got me an expensive bottle of wine for my 40th birthday. so what gives?
I even went to the AA web site and took the test. There were like 15 questions, and if you answered yes to 4 or more there was a problem. I answered no to all of them, well one was a maybe.
July 17, 2003
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It is early. I am tired. It was 76 degrees on the way to work at 7:00 am this morning. It is going to be another hot day! YUK! The heat has been making me very tired, I get home from work and just want to veg. I think the remnants of Hurricane Claudette are moving our way. It is very muggy and a bit cloudy.
I was at Globe of Blogs reading some of the content that others write, and realized that I am pretty boring when it comes to blogging. I don’t usually comment on news, or what is going on in the world today. I am not a particularly good writer; so I am sure people don’t come to my site to read the content. I am not having a torrid affair, which would at least raise some eyebrows, and I don’t have any pictures up any more, my on-line friends consists of about 4. You guys know who you are: Karma, the 2 C’s and Lynn . If there are more let me know! I am getting a complex L. So I thought I would try to be a little more interesting.
I finished reading the 5th Harry Potter. I know who dies!!! I won’t spoil it for anyone.
July 10, 2003
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I thought that I should post since I will be going to CSUMB for Natalie’s college orientation this weekend. We are leaving tomorrow bright and early. It is about a 6-hour drive and I usually have had enough at about the 3-hour mark.
I have not posted since I had to put little DunDun to sleep. About two weeks ago (6/22) DunDun started acting a little off, so I started him on the 2 meds and he improved, but then last Sunday (6/28)he was definitely in respiratory distress. I took him to TLC Emergency 24 hour veterinary in South Pasadena, and they put him in an oxygen tank for 2 days. They felt the x‑rays showed a mass in his lung, possible cancer. They finally weaned him off the O2 and I picked him up on Tuesday 7/1. He never bounced back and after starting him a on prednisone with no success, S (Dr. K) came over Saturday night (7/5) and helped him to the bridge while he lay comfortably in my lap with Jack next to him. She will do a necropsy to see if it was cancer, and I will have him cremated so he can sit on the shelf with Neo, Fez and Francis. Jack is now all-alone. I really was depressed about this.
Andy had it out with me last week. He thinks I am drinking too much. I probably am, but I told him that I didn’t want to talk about it, and I dint want to talk about it at counseling either. He said he did, and so I told him I would stop during the week, and only have anything to drink on the weekends. I don’t want to get into it at counseling. He keeps telling me that I have a family history of you know what, and he is worried (blah, blah, blah)
It started right after Bear died, 9/9/01, just a few days before the 911 disaster. Andy was stuck in China and couldn’t get home. I think that is when I first realized that he didn’t love me anymore. That he had not said it for a long time and when I asked, he said no. I sucked myself deep down into depression; I also gained about 25 pounds since then (14 of which are now gone, 11 more to go). That’s when I started to drink more. I don’t think I have a problem, but that’s what people say if they do, so I don’t want to be cliché. So I will stop during the week and see how that goes.
Work has been stressful. I was appointed Interim Director of IT on 3/24, but I get no respect from the other Directors, they at like I am just the same old manager that I used to be F* them! My boss does not support any of my decisions, if another Director questions them; he backs off and let them have their way. Oh well.
Natalie and I will visit the aquarium while we are in Monterey. I have been several times, and she is very excited about it. It should be some good bonding time with her.
Andy left for Atlanta yesterday and will be back after I leave tomorrow. I am sorta glad, after last week. Plus I am going home and having a drink tonight while I pack. It is my Friday anyway.
I guess I better get around to archiving Junes entries. Geeze, what a slack I am.