|more june 29, 2004
say hello! I forgot to post that yesterday we got word my cousin passed al the tests and he is a donor for Nat. The transplant will take place on July 8, next week. I will keep you all posted and plan on journaling from the hospital, although I may not get the posts up each day. I am so happy about this, so is Nat. Thanks to all who have been praying, and keep those prayers coming the journey is about to begin!
june 29, 2004
I have been following Nat’s on-line journal. Her sis and I encouraged her to keep one, and she has been pretty good about updating and putting stuff into it. I don’t know if she knows I read it, but I really don’t think she cares. I am posting one of comments from a questionnaire; it made me feel good that she wouldn’t trade us. I also copied her post about death. I always wondered what her perspective was on it. I also wondered about her relationship with God, or if she even had one.
Switch parents for a week? With who?: No…i like my parents
Trade your parents for 5 million dollars?: No
ive been pondering for years about death. i have found that its so mysterious…its so fascinating. what is it that happens after you die? does anyone know? i mean i think that we die then we live a whole new life….basically reincarnation. but i mean if you think about it you just become sucked into the whole scene. i dont want to wait to find out what happens. i just want to know. i mean check this out: we die. we finally find out all the mysteries in the world and we find out the whole experience of death. the beauty, the skies, the universe, God….i mean the whole feeling of it. then after we find out the intrigue of it, we leave and are born without a memory. we live again and have to wonder the whole mystery all over again. its so interesting and im obsessing over it. i mean dont get me wrong, im not gonna go out and find ways to find the answer to my question and concern. its like a secret….its Gods secret. and when we are reborn God purposely blocks out the memory of what lifes about and God blocks out the mysteries so we know what we are living for. God wants us to find our own destination. we relive with the same soul, but we live a whole new life. God is giving us his secret after every life we live, then we live a whole new life to find out what happens. i mean maybe im wrong, maybe we arent reborn. maybe we just wander into clouds. maybe its the souls that make the shapes of the clouds in the sky.
i remember my grandma once tried to show me a cloud that was the shape of an angel. i couldnt see it but she tried so hard to show me that i just told her i saw it so shed feel happy. and the funny thing is, last night i found my death and God’s secret in a dream. i grew wings and i had my laptop and i put a long, long extension cord in my laptop so id have it when i was going above the clouds. i was raising and my wings were flapping slowly. i was there i saw it. there were naked souls with wings in the clouds. the were just lying there, one was reading a book and another was talking to another soul….i mean i caught it all in one second before i fell. i was there and i saw the whole experience for one second and i fell back into my life. i didnt even have time to finish “Oh My God!” all i got to finish was “Oh” and i fell. but the clouds were so white and the souls were so beautiful and peaceful. the cloud was like a lawn at a park where people put down their blankets and just chill for hours in the sun, except there were clouds and the souls had wings and there was so much peace. i just wanted to lay down with some soul in a cloud and talk about a past life. when i woke up i thought maybe i died in my sleep for a second and came back…..but who knows. maybe it was just a dream.
une 25, 2004
This week has been very stressful. Things changing by the minute, I am learning to be flexible and not get upset with people. Hubby has helped by taking care of all the plane reservations.
My cousin flew out from Wisconsin on Wednesday night. He was coming next week Monday, until Tuesday afternoon when everything changed. So he made it and I spent all day with him at the hospital getting all the donor tests done. We got there at 6:45 am, and didn’t leave until about 5:30. Then we went to see Nat. He wanted to see her and was leaving the next morning (today) early. So we went over for about an hour.
I have to say he is a pretty amazing guy. He just dropped everything to come out here and help out with this transplant, and his wife Sue is very supportive of the whole thing. I am blessed to have such great family. And we are only second cousins, our grandfathers were brothers.
So today I had a day where I just didn’t want to push, push, push for a change. This whole week has been full. I worked al day Monday, Tuesday was the surgery, Wednesday I worked half a day, then went to the hospital, then Cousin flew in all day Thursday at the hospital. So when my mother called this morning and asked me to go to the store for her I completely lost it.
I don’t know if I have spoken much about my mother here. She is a wacko. She is a fanatical Catholic, but not a Vatican 2. She thinks Vatican 2 is not OK. She is that old school catholic. She has spent most of the last few years holed up praying, going to church and listening to conservative radio shows. Since Grandma died last year she has gotten worse. She has felt bad almost continuously, but refuses to see a doctor (has for years), and now wants me to do her grocery shopping.
I finally had it and told her that I should be able to ask her for help, but I can’t because she refuses to take care of herself, and now wants me to go do her shopping. I told her that if she wanted to be a good Chris tian, she should act like one. Not just hole up and pray. I could use some help picking up the son from summer school, maybe shopping for me! I am working and taking care of a family and have a daughter in the hospital, and all she can do to help is pray. I am sorry that is just not enough. Especially when I see her just letting herself go, not taking care of herself and guess who will end up taking care of her? Who is left? ME.
Anyhow, I just am not in the mood to deal with her too. She is an adult and should go get a complete physical. She has horrible osteoporosis. She is so hunched over it isn’t funny. No wonder her back hurts her so much!
Ok off my rant. I went to the store and sent CJ the oldest to her house with the food. At least she called to thank me. And of course I feel bad, because she has no one but me. I am all that is left, for lots of peoples.
june 22, 2004
So here I am, at the hospital. I will send this when I get home. Nat had her port-a-cath (central line), taken out. Yes it is the one that was just put in a few weeks ago. It never worked right. They also put in another line for IV access, so they wouldn’t have to poke her all the time. She is in very good spirits. My 2nd cousin from Wausau Wisconsin is flying out next week to complete testing as a donor. He passed the preliminary stuff that was done back east. So it is looking like the surgery might be on July 1. I am having high anxiety. This waiting is awful.
june 21, 2004
This morning was overcast and cool, a typical June Gloom day for southern California . I really like them, the heat stays away. The afternoons won’t reach 75-80. I hope it stays like this all summer. I really hate the heat of summer. I just looked outside; the sun did come out, yuk.
Last night I had a dream that a coyote ate Sprocket. It was an awful dream. Roscoe was barking at the coyote, and sprocket was growling while he was in his mouth. I think that I dreamt this because I never used to worry about the coyotes, since we always had a big dog around. Well now we don’t, and I am afraid of them getting the little dogs.
Things have been stressful. There are maybe a couple of potential donors, but one we don’t even know the blood type yet and the other is in Wisconsin . I am hopeful, but there are always buts.
Yesterday was father’s day. Mine died when I was 26. I really do miss him, and go through the “what if” stuff all the time. But, it has been a long time, and to be truthful he was never really there for me. He split when I was 5, and I really didn’t get to know him until I was in my late teens early twenties. And that was only because he was diagnosed with cancer, and was around.
I am having a major downer. I need to get out of the rut. I want to redo this site and add a photos area. I have some nice ones I want to show off. Maybe tomorrow, as I should be at the hospital quite a while Nat is having her port-a- cath removed. Yes the one that was just put in about 4 weeks ago. No good. Typical Kaiser crappy surgeon; her first surgeon was great; this last one didn’t seem very good. She also was not used to ped’s patience. Even though Nat is 19, she is less than 80 lbs.
I have a new blog I am reading I will put her link up on my links page, her name is Sandee. She is a young cancer survivor. Her story is pretty amazing.
june 20, 2004
Yesterday I participated in the Relay for Life Cancer Walk. I was supposed to be part of a “team” but because of all the stuff going on with Nat I had to back out. But I raised some monies and went out and walked and participated for several hours Saturday. So did hubby and I brought both dogs. Roscoe did lots of laps for cancer. Hear that Dori and Sandee! I support the cause and love ya!!!
I miss my 2 big dogs. They were there for me for so long. I raised them from puppies. Bye friends.
Tuesday we found out that the second donor did not pass medical testing. She is actually is in very good health, however during the testing a nodule was found on her left lobe. The Doc’s think it is from the California smog
In any case her sister did pass, and we are now looking for a second donor. Natalie will remain in the hospital. She is getting a bit weary being there but understands she is getting a chance a life.
It is amazing how much I have read since Nat has been in the hospital. I am just finishing the fourth novel of Dan Brown, the author of The Da Vinci Code. So I have read all of his. Not sure what is gong to be next. I had something in mind, but now I can’t remember. I better get on Amazon and get a basket together.
I want to comment on how many cyber friends that I have made either through blogs or through my rat lists that I belong too. I guess there are not tons, a few… But they are all so supportive and kind. Sending e-mails and cards, and IMing etc, I just wish so hard that they were all closer so I could get to know them better.
I have never had very many close friends, but now since I moved back to So. California I have even less. Some of the closest friends I made were up in Tahoe, and now I am 500 miles away form most of them.
june 12, 2004
I spent all day Thursday with the 2 potential donors at USC University Hospital having tests. One finished and the other had to return Friday to finish. We will know on Monday if they passed the donor screenings. If so, the surgery will be Thursday, 6/17. I am getting very nervous about all this. But right now I just hope that it happens.
Yesterday I spent the better part of the day really cleaning the girls room. I had the home health people pick up all the medical equipment that Nat wont need when she comes home. I could not believe how much there was! 2 large liquid oxygen tanks, 6 travel tanks, IV pole, Several IV pumps, A Therapy Vest, an oxygen concentrator, not to mention supplies. The girls room is much nicer now, it looks like a college girls room instead of a hospital room. When she gets home just pills and a nebulizer, that is all she will need. Maybe IV antibiotics, but not for long. I pulled out their summer quilts, and had their down ones cleaned. They need new bed skirts, I will get those tomorrow. Since Nats sister is one of the donors, I thought it was a good idea to do this project before the surgery. Of course child number 3, they boy turns 16 on the day of his sisters surgery!
I have a bird nest near the front door, some brown birds are building it. I have to see if I can figure out what kind they are. I also have at least 5 baby squirrels, on my last count. I got a pic of one, and will try and get it up soon.
Thanks to all of you who have sent prayers and good wishes. Thanks Y for the promo on your site. I send hugs to all. I will post Monday as soon as we get the news on the surgery being a go.
june 6, 2004
Not much to update. Natalie is still awaiting lungs. They are screening donors and the surgery will be 6/17 if the donors match. She is really getting homesick, but is also thriving with the care she is getting. She is gaining weight, and her blood sugars are probably more controlled than they have been in years.
I am missing my Kodiak a lot. And also just trying to get through each day; the Hospital is so depressing, there are so many very sick kids there. I have been working in the mornings and going to the hospital in the afternoons. I am getting burned out. Next week I might not go into the office as much. I will have to see.
We have baby squirrels here at the house. They are the cutest! So far I have counted 3, but there could be more. They come up to the patio after all the adults eat, and they look for leftovers and play in the flower pots and dig up everything! Typical kids.