january 31, 2005
I stayed home from the office today. I finally started the period. I was about a week late, and it is brutal. I feel gross. After over 20 years of dealing with endometriosis, you would think that the doc,s could do something about the pain, the symptoms, every single month. I spent the day sleeping and reading blogs. I found some heart wrenching stories. Here, and here and here.
The thing is the stories are not just your everyday blog. But stories of courage, and sadness and anger. They are good reads.
I am watching TV and trying to decide if I have carpal tunnel on my right hand. My wrist has really been hurting a lot. I thought it was getting better, but today it is worse. I need to make a doctors appointment. My wrist my nose, and sinuses which have been bugging me for a month! I am just worried that she is going to say about my blood pressure.
january 30, 2005
a new site?
I thought I would get one last post in before the end of the month, just in case I don’t get around to posting tomorrow. I think I have said more this month than ever have before. I was thinking that I would like categorize my entries by subject based on the title, and then link them. But since I use Fr0ntpage I think it would be a lot of work. There must be some package out their that will do it more easily. My problem is that I don’t want to use some blog host.. I like having my own domain and web host, and not being the mercy of Bl0gger or some other service. If anyone has any ideas I would be very open to them. I also need to clean up all my old pages. There are a lot of broken links and stuff. But if I am going to do that I am going to redo the whole site again.
january 27, 2005
I had horrible dreams last night. I dreamt that I was going on a trip, I came home to get packed. It was the home my sis and I grew up in, my mom and grandma was there. I was going water skiing with an old boyfriend. I went into my bedroom, that I shared with my sister and she had given away all of my clothes, or almost all of them. All my underwear and bathing suits, nothing was left that fit me. I didn’t want to buy anything until I lost weight, and everyone was waiting for me to get on the road. I think one of the things that were so frustrating is my sister didn’t care, she was high or something, and kept acting like oh well, big deal. I tried to get my mom involved but she was not going to do anything except pray. When I went out side had put up a big sign in the front yard with hands praying on it. I immediately began to destroy the sign, breaking it apart. I woke up angry, and yelling.
I think the dream is interpreted as resentment towards my sister for what she did. She died and left me to take care of her kids. She took away my wonderful carefree life, living in Tahoe, and brutally landed me into a nightmare of learning how to parent, legal battles with lying grandparents, and little support from my dysfunctional family.
I suppose if she had died in an accident or from a terminal illness the deep seated resentment might not resurface, but I personally think she died because she was really stupid. I think she inadvertently killed herself.
The coroners report said she had some heart valve thing happening, but that was after a long conversation with my mother who probably talked him out of the real cause of death. Suicide would hang over her children’s lives forever. Her blood alcohol was high, very high, but according to the coroner not lethal. What about all the medications in her system. Oh and by the way these were prescription medications, that her fucking neurologist prescribed by the boatloads even after I told him I thought she had an addictive personality.
The summer before she died she was in the hospital a couple times for severe migraines. The first time I called and she was so high she couldn’t even tell me what was going on or recognize me. My good for nothing uncle was there and I told him that the doctor needed to know that I thought she was addicted to pain killers. I got the doctor on the phone, finally, and told him. He told me that he could not take that into consideration unless my sister told him. WTF! She couldn’t even talk. Well when she was finally discharged, I took a trip to see what was going on.
I arrived on a Friday about dinner time, as I usually did, my big dogs in tow. I knocked on the door. She came to the door and said “what are you doing here? You aren’t supposed to be here til tomorrow”. (slur)
Well, no I am here now. After a bit of discussion she let me in. I can’t really remember if the kids were there. I think they were at the “babysitters”. That is another entry. Anyhow I remember her doing something at the stove late at night. I asked her to come to bed. She was a night owl. Then I started to smell something gross. I told her that I thought the oven was on and something was melting. She insisted for an hour nothing was on, everything was fine. The next morning there was a pile of melted plastic in the oven. I don’t even think she remembered the night before. It was not a pleasant visit.
She was readmitted to the hospital with headaches later in the summer or early fall. This time instead of the docs giving her all kinds of drugs the docs would only give her certain ones to see if they worked, thinking they were rebound headaches and the like.
Anyhow they discharged her with new meds. We tried to have an intervention with her over Thanksgiving. It didn’t go too well, although she did end up in the Ka1ser rehab program. It is a lame, 2 week, outpatient program. It didn’t do any good. Her boyfriend, whom she was having this long distance relationship with from Chicago came into town over the Christmas holiday. She and the kids went to Atascadero with him to visit family. He left after Christmas and she shipped the kids off to grandma. She was found dead on January 2.
I think she was depressed over her boyfriend, he was never going to marry her. He had his own kids who were a priority. She was able to get away from her life and kids when she went to Chicago to see him. I think she was selfish.
She made her life, it could have been different. She keep going back to her loser husband and having more kids. I even told her after the second one was born. Don’t get pregnant again. She had reunited with her husband, and I was worried. All she needed was another kid. Sure enough I don’t hear from her for a while. I get a letter in the mail. She is pregnant. She asks me not to call her until I can be happy for her.
january 25, 2005
Well it is official. Hubby’s plant is being relocated to Arizona. The plant here in So. California will close on 10/31/05, with the reopen date of 12/31/05 in Arizona. This means we will probably move, but not until after Jake graduates in June of ’06. About a year and a half from now. There is a possibility of hubby looking for a another position, and us staying here. But we are not sure if he can find something of the same caliber. My career is finally solidifying. Tonight my reclassification to Director of the department is being reviewed, if approved it will go to C1ty C0uncil on Feb 7 and I will have the job and the title! As many of you may not know, I have been working as the Interim for almost two years. Doing the work with out the title or pay.
I am not going to stress yet. I really am not sure I want to move to “HOT” Arizona, it would be near Phoenix, not somewhere with seasons like Flagstaff. I could deal with that quite nicely. But there are miles to gl before we sleep, oops I mean move.
Here is a picture of Freddie. One of my two hatchet fish.
I personally think he is very cute! His friend Jason is around, and they sometimes hang out together.
Here is my Jacques. The one with the lips. Now look closely and you will see what I mean. He just needs some lipstick, oh and maybe a girls name.
And here are those lovely luscious lips in action! Notice the algae sucking motion. Good to the last drop!
Ok enough with the fish already. I am concerned that I didn’t start my period. I know I can’t be pregnant (I think). I am worried that I am peri-menopausal. How appropriate to skip your first period on the day which you are supposed to start which is also your 45th birthday. Gee, maybe God is trying to tell me that I am getting up there.
january 23, 2005
Why is it that this family cannot go for a week without more problems and drama. So of course I have to unload. I have talked about my mom some. She and I have a difficult relationship. I had been doing grocery shopping for her on a semi regular basis, and when Candice got her car Candice started doing it for her. It worked out well. I didn’t have to interact with my mom to often, Candice did a good deed.
So Candice has been taking car of this since early November. I have told her not to take a dime from my mom, as she is very strapped for money, and lives on practically nothing due to the fact her house is paid off. I also hate just handing mom cash, so this is a good way to deal with it. I pay for all her groceries. Candice brings me the receipt and, I write Candice a check.
So today mom calls to wish me a happy birthday. It is my birthday. And I talk to her about how Candice is working another job a couple of days a week, doing some babysitting. So mom and I were trying to figure out if Nat could do her grocery shopping, since Candice is now working on Wednesday, mom’s normal shopping day. I mention something about paying for the groceries, and my mom says no I pay for my groceries. So after a bit of discussion it turns out my mom pays Candice for the groceries, and gives her gas money. Then Candice brings me the receipt and I pay her for the groceries again.
About $430.00 worth. I will be sending my mom a reimbursement and get the money out of my damn daughter, if I don’t kill her first.
My poor mom was so upset that this had happened. She couldn’t believe it. I was less shocked, but extremely upset that my daughter had not just stolen, but stolen from someone who has nothing. literally nothing. I told her she was scum, and she better pay me back.
Happy birthday to me
happy birthday to me
So there was a change of plans, we couldn’t get a reservation here. So we ended up here. It was yummy. Hubby eats there often in various cities while he travels, but I had never been. I had 2 martini’s lobster appetizer, rib eye steak, spinach with mushrooms, and this potato pancake ala hash brown to die for. We shared everything but the steak, hubby had a porterhouse. We also took a wonderful bottle of 1996 Stags Leap Cabernet that I got for my 40th birthday. We had this great idea to play barber shop when we got home (I will leave that to you imagination), however I promptly passed out, while hubby put the leftovers in the fridge, and told the kids that they were mine and not to eat them. Oh, I almost forgot the New York Cheesecake.
This morning we had pancakes. I found 8 new fish in my tank and some live plants. The fish are Splendid rainbow, and Australian rainbows. They are very nice, 2 females and 2 males of each species. The males are very colorful, and the females are boring. I like them, but they would not have been ones that I would have picked. I love my kids, and appreciate their getting me something that I love, but I really wanted to pick my own fish, and it turns out that over half the fish in the tank were selected by them. So I have some nice fish. I guess I need to try and relate this too them, because I will be getting another tank as soon as the bathroom is finished. There will be some perfect new counter space for a 20 or so gallon tank.
january 22, 2005
Hubby is taking me to dinner tonight here. I have been feeling so fat and frumpy lately that I went to N0rdstroms to see if I could find something “fun” to wear. I had a gift certificate left from Christmas, and it was longing to be spent. So I bought a pair of DNKY jeans size 10 long. I refuse to buy a size 12 again! A cute top, it is cut like a blouse but is is that crinkly fabric, it is black and white and I think I will wear it with some black pants I have. I also bought another T-shirt type top that has a bunch of writing and rhinestones and sequins around the neck, which is scoop. It will look cute with jeans and Black high heels. I also bought a sweater that was on sale. V neck, with an argyle pattern on it. I hate to say it but it is the only item that is really me. All the others, including the jeans are my wanna be styling self.
Hopefully hubby will appreciate the effort to not look frumpy and boring. My sister used to tell me how boring I was when it came to clothes. She had some flair, and would wear things I would never even consider wearing. She had a very different sense of style.
I picked up my prescription sunglasses. OMG, it is so wonderful too see in the car, and look down and be able to see the numbers on my cell phone! I can’t wait until we go skiing, I will actually be able to read a trial map.
Hubby is going to make me a lemon cake. He is searching the web for a recipe, and I found this one and it sounds easy, so I suggested it. Cake mixes are fine. I have no problem with them, especially when the are fruffed up a bit.
It has been extremely cold in the east and midwest. I know that below zero temperatures are everywhere, so I will apologize in advance for my whine. I really do not like southern California weather. I so miss the seasons, when I was in Tahoe I loved the winters, granted we rarely went below 0 during the day. But we did get lots of snow. Ok nuff said, I just hate it when I go out with a long sleeve T Shirt and am hot!
january 21, 2005
My birthday is in 2 days. Hubby just got back from being away all week. I better pay attention.
january 19, 2005
I read yesterday’s entry this morning, and saw all the typos! It was because I was writing it lying down on the couch watching TV with minimal lighting in the family room, eating cheese popcorn and drinking grey goose and tonic. I will correct them.
I found this site. OMG it is too funny, it is political but doesn’t take sides, and it slams everyone!
So the Nat came into my office yesterday on the way home from school to apologize and ask for forgiveness. We talked; she has a therapy appointment today. I told her that she might need to up her medication for depression. She is going to discuss the situation. I told her she has to live by our rules, and she agreed. We will see how things go.
january 18, 2005
OK I watched the American Idol debut. I really like this show even though it is still really hoockey!
I also know that a man will be put to death at midnight tonight. I guess California has reinstated the death penalty, but they enforce it so rarely that no one really realizes when it is used.
I suppose I have an opinion, but I hope you don’t judge me on it. I used to believe in the death penalty, an eye for an eye, but I don’t feel that way any more. I feel that only God can take a life. It is not our role it is the lords.
january 17, 2005
Nat just walked in and announced she was going out to lunch with her friend. I told her she was on restriction and she needed to go on Friday. She said, no to bad. What can I do?
So I am hanging out at home, thanks to MLK. I registered Jake for the SAT and for the prep course by Kaplan. It is quite expensive, but he really needs the prep. I also made sure he would commit to the hard work. The classes are Saturday and Sunday afternoons, every weekend between 1/22 and 3/6. He will then take his first SAT the following weekend. Just one more kid to get into college and I am done, sort of.
After yesterday I was really tired, all that emotional energy being used, not just with Nat but with the Uncle too. The girls are both still in bed, its noon. I made them get up at 10:00 to pick up their rooms, as the cleaning lady is here and I hate it that she can’t even vacuum their room because it is covered in clothes and junk.
I want to go somewhere, the mall, the bookstore, to get a coffee. But I also just want to lie down and pretend yesterday didn’t happen. I wish hubby was not out of town for so long. This week is going to be rough. I am sure that miss smarty-pants, Nat, will mouth off. She already did once. I asked if the two girls could help schlep Jake back and forth to the SAT prep course and she said, “I can’t drive.” Well that is because she can’t drive anywhere until Friday. Although I may just have to let her have the car Tuesday and Thursday to get to school, so I don’t have to come home from work to take her.
The dogs are hanging out with me, one on each side. The cat wanted to jump up too, but there was no room. At least my furry friends are here for me.
Maybe I will go do some on-line shopping. My birthday is coming up!
I almost forgot. On Friday I went to the doctor to get a new glasses prescription. Old age is indeed creeping up on me! Anyhow I have new reading glasses, I hated the old ones I had. The frames were supposed to be trendy but they really looked geeky on me. So I also had new bifocals made, and for the first time ever prescription sunglasses! I am so excited now I can actually read a trail map while I am skiing. They are special order so I wont have them for another week or so.
january 16, 2005
hugs to those who keep me grounded
love you y!!!!
Today sucked, and it is only 4:00 in the afternoon. This morning, I made a lovely banana pecan pancake and fried ham for the birthday bitch. Yes, that’s right. My now 20 year old is officially a b*tch. After breakfast her sweet boyfriend came and asked to talk to us. He told us that he was leaving and probably wouldn’t be coming back, he also told us our dear daughter had pot brownies under her bed.
Oh crap. So I promptly went and found them and put them down the garbage disposal. Pretty brownies with flecks of green in the frosting. Hmmmm. Hubby spoke to boyfriend, and tried to console him. He doesn’t agree with the way she takes care of herself after going through the transplant, and he can’t handle it. So he told us about the pot. He did it because he cares about her and doesn’t want her to hurt herself.
The sweet boyfriend left. Hubby and I went to talk to Nat. Ok, so she is on restriction until Friday. No going out of the house, except for school. Hubby left for a business trip until Friday, and I cannot deal with her being out and not knowing where she is and what she is doing. Thus the restrictions.
She wanted to leave, and said she was going to her great uncles (my uncle). She lived with him for a year during her senior year of high school. She had gotten so rebellious, and would not take care of herself that she needed to leave. I called Uncle and told him about what happened and asked him to please do not let her come and stay there. It would just undermine me. He then proceeded to drag up the past 5 years. Oh god.
Uncle did not agree with the way we would discipline the kids. He also believed everything they told him, even if it was a lie. Because of this our relationship has been very strained for about 2 years. Once I grounded Nat from a dance, and he called me on the phone and screamed at me, that she was going to the dance, that I was going to let her go to the dance. Then he would go into tirades about how we were disciplining the kids. He is a little off. He is gay and on antidepressants, and is an artist. So you all get the picture. He also believed Nat when she told him that hubby had choked her. Just not true.
So any how he chooses this phone call to have a discussion about how I blamed him for different things, and wanted to know if he was still part of our family. It was not a pleasant conversation. He also told me that if I would ask him to walk me down the aisle now, he would run the other way. He gave me away at my wedding, since my father is gone. That really hurt a lot.
He compared me to my mother, which also hurt a lot. I had distanced myself from him because I could not deal with some of the things he said to hubby about all of this, and I could not understand why he couldn’t just let us raise the children. I think he felt as if he needed to be part of the decision process when it came to discipline and things.
By the way the discipline was mainly grounding, and no tv or video games. It was not corporal punishment, although I have to confess I have slapped a few faces, but few and far between.
I need a drink.
I discussed this with both of her siblings, and they both think that everything is fair. Boyfriend did the right thing, even though finking out someone is not easy, and the punishment rendered was not excessive.
She just can’t stay her anymore if this keeps up. I can’t deal with it. I can’t be worried about her diabetes and other health issues constantly. Especially if she is making stupid decisions.
Calgon take me away…..
january 15, 2005
january 15, 2005
Tomorrow Nat turns 20. It is hard to believe. She came to live with me just a week before her 11th birthday. Time really fly’s.
I am going to make her favorite chicken paprikash, and cucumber salad tonight. I also baked a cake yesterday, and found polka dot candles! Most of her friends are away at school, or working on a Saturday night. So, if she makes up with her boyfriend, it will be just us. Young love, it is not easy. It is not easy when you get older either.
I have my hair appointment this afternoon. I had postponed it because of the jury duty fiasco. I am relieved that I was able to get something this soon, you know what happens when you miss your 5 week appointment!
I have some new fish. Nat and her boyfriend brought me about 10 days ago. 2 rather large ones, a kribensis of some type and a flag prochilodus, 5 Columbian tetra’s (aka the medallian cartel), and a fiddler crab. I think it shocked the tank, I found Philippe (the kribensis) dead on Tuesday. I supposed I should not have named him that, as it quite possibly doomed him to certain death. On the other hand, Jacques (flag prochilodus) is doing fine. And the medallian cartel is also great. I did a water change after Philippe’s death, as the ammonia levels were quite high. The fiddler crab, coo pele, will probably have to go live with a friend of mine in her turtle tank. Crabs need to be able to crawl out and dry off, and he can’t in my tank. She has a nice turtle tank that will be comfy for him. Now I just have to find the little bugger. He shows his claw occasionally, but loves to hide.
I need to post a picture of Jacques, he has lips. Yes, lips. He goes around in the tank mouthing everything, looking for algae I think. And when he does this it looks like a humans mouth instead of a fish. Not sure if I can capture the lip thing on film, but trust me he has lips.
january 13, 2005
The attorneys settled the case on Tuesday so I am back at the office. This is a good thing, if the trial had taken that long it would have been difficult for me to try and keep up with my stuff at the office.
The rain finally stopped. In case you have not been following California weather, it had been raining for almost 2 weeks. I really like the rain, but with what happened in a little seaside village of Los Conchita , it made me want the rain to stop. So they could find the missing people buried in the mud. It was very sad. A man lost his wife and 3 o his daughters when he went out to buy ice cream, the hillside slid, and then they were gone.
I have to take hubby this afternoon to have a colonoscopy. This is not a procedure I would like to have done! They have to sedate him, so I will need to drive him home. I am nervous for him, but more nervous of the possible results.
january 8, 2005
On Tuesday I drove into downtown Los Angeles in the pouring rain to Superior court to report for my civic duty. Yes folks, I had a jury summons. Not just any summons, but one that had been postponed twice, and thus meant I had to show. It was boring. I sat around, read, ate junk food, read some more, and of course watched the clock. We would be dismissed at 4:00. If I don’t get selected, I am done!
3:30 rolls around. I am sure I have lucked out. I start packing up my things, eat my last hostess chocolate covered donut. An announcement. A panel is needed in Civil court in the Building a few blocks away. I am not worried, there are lots of people in the room. People reading, snoring, eating, talking on cell phones, you know lots of people. I get called. yes, I have to report the next morning to the other Courthouse. This area of Los Angeles is full of courthouses, that need to be full of jurors.
So I report, and the process starts. The first day so many jurors were dismissed for hardship, that they had to call more to have enough in the panel to select 12 from. I guess I should have said something about my hair appointment on Friday, that I couldn’t miss it because the gray would start to show, and I couldn’t possibly be able to render a verdict if I wasn’t feeling pretty! But it didn’t feel quite right, most of the people who were dismissed had a financial hardship. Their employer did not pay for their service, well my employer pays for my service, but NOT MY HAIR APPOINTMENT! And if I don’t give 24 hour notice, she gets pretty upset with me. You know how these women are, they don’t get paid for jury service either!
After Wednesday the lawyers still had not finished questioning the jury, so everyone had to come back the next day. The judge promised that a jury would be selected by noon Thursday. Cool, I thought I will be out of there and have an afternoon at the office, and be able to make my hair appointment on Friday.
Thursday, a jury is selected by noon. What a relief. I however am juror number 9. Like the Beatles song, number 9, number 9, number 9, number 9.
I rescheduled my hair appointment for a Saturday, since the trial is supposed to last into February.
january 3, 2005
Today is my last day of holiday vacation. We had today off for New Years. I also got a call to jury duty, but I didn’t need to report today. I hope I don’t have to report at all. The weather has been rainy and people in LA can’t drive in the rain, they act like we are in a winter storm! I think I will go shopping.
Yesterday was the ninth anniversary of my sisters death. I remember it so well. I had taken Hubby (before he was hubby) to the airport in Reno, I came home and that night my mom called me and told me she was dead. I didn’t believe her. I told her she was wrong. I told her she was drunk and had passed out. But mom told me to call her house, I did and the police answered and confirmed that she was gone. Thank god her children were not at home, the were with the bad grandparents. She had been there a while, several hours. She was found by a neighbor.
january 1, 2005
too much champagne
I had a fight with hubby last night. We had gone to a friends house nearby to see their new puppy. She had asked us to come over for some wine and appetizers. So we did. We had to be back at the house by 7:00, because Jake’s friends were arriving and I had to put the lasagna in the oven for all the boys.
So I drank 3 glasses, actually small glasses of wine, and ate some mushroom turnovers. We left at 7:00, got home and I made Nacho’s for the boys while the lasagna cooked. Made a salad and garlic bread and poured a glass of Champagne, then went up to my hubby to hug him and give him a kiss. I put my arms around him, and he looked at me and said you’re drunk! I was shocked. I told him “you deal with the boys”, and I went to bed. It was 8:30.
Ok so I know that he can’t deal with me when I drink to much. He says he can’t relate to me. But for god’s sake, it was New Years Eve. I guess, actually I don’t know what I guess.
I was upset at Nat, she had a fight with her boyfriend. She was taking off, angry. I worry about her driving, and crying and all that other stuff. Her sister and friends had got a hotel room, which was smart. But Nat wanted to go with her, I was not ok with it at all. I would have felt better if her boyfriend was going with her. Well he didn’t want to, so they were fighting about it too. I told her relationships are about compromise. This all happened before we went for drinks. I asked her not to leave before we got back so we could talk.
When we got back she was ready to leave for her boyfriends, I was upset that she would not tell me where she would be, and I try to make sure she had all her meds etc. She kept mouthing off at me, so I slapped her. Bad scene.
Hubby says I need to let go. I need to let them be adults. I agree, but as long as she in under our roof, and I worry about them, I think there should be some guidelines.
I feel bad about the whole thing. But I also feel like we are being used a bit. The girls are spoiled. It’s my fault.
Now I am sitting here New years day wondering where they are and if they are safe. My own fault I guess. I feel like I need to hit the Champagne again.
Hope every one had a nicer New Years Eve than I did.