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Archive for July, 2006

The Dream

The more I thought about the dream, the more I thought I should write it down. I think that part of it was prompted by an article I read in the San Diego Union, it was an interview with 2 different church leaders. One eastern, musilm, one western, chrisitian. They both felt that worldwide signs indicated it was the end of days, or the end of the world as we catholics call it. I supppose since I was a kid I have surpressed a fear of this. My mother would constantly chime”it’s the end of the world”, every time some significant negative world event occured. As a child, it frightened me. As an adult I suppose that fear comes to the surface. My mother was and still is a lunatic.

But in the dream my sister was there. She had a book, with pictures, and was trying to show me all the signs of what was happening all over. Pictures of statues and stone gods. I kept tearing the pages of the book up, but she kept trying to show me. She told me it didn’t matter if I tore tha pages up, it would still happen. My sister is dead, for those of you who haven’t followed my story. So I suppose that as I thought more about this, it seems as if my sister, from the other side, is trying to tell me something.

D was in the dream, and I was trying to talk to him and he couldn’t hear me, and wasn’t paying attention. When I finally got his attention he told me that he would not believe me becasue I had lied before, so why shouldn’t he believe what Barbara (my sister) was saying. It was distressing because the person I feel the safest with now, D, was not my ally in my dream.

I know that there is too much shit going on in my life now, and maybe I need to clean up some of the stuff. There is one thing going on now, that I won’t even write about here in my secret of secret places, that I need to “deal” with. And no it is not any type of substance abuse.

I need a clearer conscience.

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Back to reality

After a long weekend of bliss. We did nothing. We slept in, ate breakfast in bed, layed by the pool, drank good wine, ate good food, walked into town for fun and dinner one night. I have not felt this relaxed in years.

Brat is at camp. And he is there until August 5th!!!! So even though we are back to the daily drind, there is still a reprieve from the kid. D needs it bad. Being a single parent of a high maintenance kid can kill ya. He is looking so much better after the wind down weekend.

I was doing the same until this morning when D woke me up from a horrific nightmare, which then became a daymare in a sense becuase I couldn’t get it out of my brain. I am still a bit distressed by it.

Asshole (aka almost ex husband) used to tell me not to tell people what I was dreaming becuase they would think I was crazy, and should be locked up. Sometimes from the content of my dreams I alos think so. I am not sure what it means when you dream so intensly and so vividly, but I am sure it is something wierd.

My sister was in this dream, as was D. Not sure I want to go there.

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The Brat

Ok, so I have covered the level of brattiness that I am dealing with, right? Well just when you thought it couldn’t get any worse! Last night the collective “we”, D, I, the brat and a friend of the brats went to a Dodger game. Leaving the game, the brat thinks its really funny to laugh, point, say rude things and eventually flip off the car next to us that is trying to merge out of the parking lot and into our lane, all the while D has no idea what is going on in the back seat, and is fighting traffic. I twice told the brat not to antagnonize the people in the car next to us, they were inches away. And so was his friend, but the brat says “whats does that mean?”, and the friend responds what you are doing right now! The rest of the ride home he wanted to blast music, Dad says no, so he asks me, I ignore him and tell him not to put me in that position, overriding dad. So he starts to talk smack about his dad to his friend, and I can hear it all! I bit my tongue not to say something to embarrass him in front of his friend, but I wanted to say, your dad may be deaf, but I can hear every word you say and I can talk too!

BTW, did I mention D is hearing impaired and reads lips? He speaks clearly, but if he isn’t looking at you he can’t “hear” what you are saying. Makes for fun in the bedroom, lots of sex with the lights on.

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A Real Vacation?

On Thursday “d” (the guy i am seeing) and I will be going to San Deigo for 3 nights. He is dropping his son off at diabetes camp for 10 days, thank god, and we are going straight to San Diego from there. Staying at the Hotel Del Coronado. A really nice place and is supposed to be haunted.

I am using up my American Express points, for 2 of the nights, before my ex can claim a part of those too! I just want to eat, sleep, have sex, swim in the ocean and the pools, and do it all over again. The only thing that is now making me wonder is that the brat, which I will call d’s teeager, has threatened to get thrown out of diabetes camp becasue he doesn’t really want to go. I swear if he does that I will refuse to leave San Diego, and d will have to figure out how to deal with it.

I met d’s mom today. She is amazing!!!!! She is in her late 90’s, and looks 70, and is incredible! She was planning on cooking a big dinner, but her power had been out since 12 noon, we arrived at 3. By 4:30 still no power so we went out for dinner. She walks the mall every morning, she keeps a perfect house, I hope I am like her when I am that old. I think she liked me, when d went into the house, we were sitting on the patio after dinner, she told me she had not seen him that happy for a long time, and that he had been very depressed. I can imagine, a single dad trying to raise the brat. No sex, no social life to speak of, and a very demanding job. I really think that we were destined to find each other.

I had a power failure last night, the heat is horrible, and the humidity is awful. Southern California is not supposed to be humid. so WTF is that all about! Can’t wait until fall, the time change, which will cool things off in and of itself.

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Snarky

Love that little word. It describes how I have been feeling the last few days. I am also feeling a wave of depression, kind of like “what next”?. Been on the verge of tears a few times too. Not sure what all this means. Maybe on the verge of a “crack up”, “breakdown” (not break dance), or just plain sad.

Bunches of headaches, at work, the divorce which is getting realy ugly, at least the relationship is fine, other than the kid. Not my kids, his kid. Who is 14, diabetic, had ADHD and is spoiled rotten. Yep, the kid gets on my nerves pretty easily. Although it is better now. At first almost every date he would call bored, with a tummy ache, wanted something. Now we do spend time with the kids, and the alone time is less interupted.

Life feels lonely. Sometimes I think about where I am at. 46, living alone with 3 dogs, a husband who walked out on me, a daughter who died, a sister who died, trying to smile at everyone and everything like it is all ok, and normal. It is not fucking normal to have all this shit happen to you. Maybe God is punishing me for something.

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My New Mantra

“I had rather be shut up in a very modest cottage, with my books, my family, and a few old friends, dining on simple bacon, and letting the world roll on as it liked, than to occupy the most spendid post, which any human power can give.”

Thomas Jefferson

This is an excerpt from an e-mail from my attorney today ….

…On Friday I received a letter from A*** attorney which you will get. There are a couple of surprises…I think he is saying that when he received the $29,815 net pay, A**** was 9 months behind on the first and 10 months behind on the 2nd, and he paid those out of those funds. Unbelievable! I have put a call into his lawyer to verify that’s what he meant, because, as you know, his letter is 12 pages long and I might have mis-read it. He wants to put the house on the market, but, wants to charge you “rent” for being there in the interim. Legally, he can do that, but I would like your permission to say, if he is charging “rent”, you’ll move out and pay rent elsewhere, and he’ll have to make the house available for showing, and you’ll charge him rent……..

Al F*cking lies from his attorney. If the payment was that late we would have been forclosed on. This is amazing. The crap is is trying to pull. What did I do to deserve this!!!

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Too hot!

I am back after 5 days on a little adventure. I drove the boy up to Chico state, moved him into the dorm for a four week class. Stayed with some friends that nght is a little town just outside of Chico. We have know each other for 16 years, I hadn’t seen her in about 6 years. maybe even longer! THen the next day drove to Nevada City. That is where one of my best friends live.

Hung out for a few days and came home on Thursday. It is hard to go back to the mountains and them leave. It was really my home, the only place that I actaully felt like I was at home. Driving home was bittersweet. I missed my dogs, my lover and my house, but also realized that soon I will be moving. THe house has to be sold to settle the divorce, and that I am alone now in my house.

THe last couple of nights have been really wierd. I will wake up in the middle of the night, and realize that I am all alone in the house. I don’t know if I feel lonely as much as I feel alone.

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