Archive for September, 2007

Another Day

I have not been writing much lately. Not sure what is up not motivated. I was in downtown LA for a few days on jury duty, actually got selected as an alternate on a 3 week trial, it was settled the first day. In a way I kinda wanted it to last the whole 3 weeks, it would have been a nice change of pace for me. I was riding the train into downtown, walking all over at lunch time. I had plans to visit the Cathedral, Disney concert hall, china town and Olvera Street during my lunch excursions. Ridng the train was so nice, and it dropped me off across the street from the courthouse! No stress from traffic. So my plans were erased, and I am back to the grind at work, with a bunch of idiots. Thank god my staff are at least good people.

I thought a complete change of pace for the time during the trial would be so good for me. I dd not have to leave for the train until about 8, so I could get up and walk in the morning. Explore a bit during the day, and ride the train home in the evening. I meet a couple of interesting people on the jury. A woman who was a library director for a college, a retired black guy from pasadena who was very nice. I was hoping to get to know them better. Oh well.

This possible experience kinda makes me wonder if I decided to take 2 weeks off from work and force some type of routine on myself that is different, how it might make a change for me. I mean I am such a recluse now. I mean walking to get coffee with the dogs every morning, perhaps exploring downtown on the train, or other local spots in the afternoon, I guess evenings will be the same. My worry is that I will take 2 weeks off and sleep the whole time.

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Pathetic Again

OK so I am feeling pathetic once again. I believe the last time I mentioned this was right after Nat died. I have been wanting to post. I have been writing posts in my mind. Sort of like blogging daydreams. But have not put it into real word on the screen for some reason. Maybe I am afraid of what I will read. I am supposed to be OK now. Its been a year and a half since Nat Died, my husband left me, my divorce is final, as of May 21st, I have boyfriend, a house a job. So what is wrong?

I think I might be depressed. I am gaining weight, eating too much, drinking too much, sleeping too much. I have a list of things I need to do and no motivation. For a few weeks it was to hot to do anything, and I have been financially challenged. But things are better now. Weather is nice, my bank account is not double digits, I could plant my flower boxes and the pots on the patio, there is lots to be done.

So what the fuck is wrong with me? I don’t want to do anything. I am sad, lonely, disappointed, I want to sleep all the time. I need some motivation, some friends, some purpose.

Jake is back at school, Candice is too busy now to spend any time with me. For the last 10 years I took care of everyone, my kids my husband. Made their lives better. Now they are all gone, and my life sucks. I don’t have anyone to take care of, no one to talk to , to cook for, to yell at, to remind to take their medicines, to pick up after, its just me and the pooches. Just me.

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