Archive for November 16th, 2007

It’s all surreal

It’s been a long week at work, even though Monday was actually a holiday. I had a bad cold last weekend, so going back to work still kinds sick, took its toll on me. Plus there were so many meetings and a lot of snark to deal with.

I need to post more. Sometimes, I write a post in my head, just to get it out. It helps, sometimes I feel as if I am afraid to write down these feelings. That they will start and the flood will finally come. I am not ready for the flood. I am dealing with individual things.

Like the fact I really miss Natalie right now. She hated turkey and so at least 2 weeks before Thanksgiving she would start her speech about how we should have ham instead. She would whine, and beg, and find me coupons for ham. Anything please but no turkey! We always had turkey and she ate lots of mashed potatoes.

I also miss being married, I don’t miss the asshole, but I miss the traditions. Baking pies on Wednesday night and drinking champagne. Over the years we actually came up with our own recipe for bourbon pecan pie that is quite good. I also miss the company, the physical body.

It’s fair, its expected, I am allowed.

Actually I realized that since last year and much of this was so chaotic I never grieved my losses. It’s a lot of work to grieve, so now that I don’t have the distractions of going through a divorce, the sale of a house, the purchase of a house, 3 surgeries, not to mention burying Nat. Now that life is clicking along, it starts to come forward. That’s why when I start to write, like now, the tears start too. Cuz I guess I really need to cry.

I also miss my-meadow. I took it down finally, 6 years I have been writing here and there. I want to convert the archives, but have no energy to do so. I have them to read when I need to. I suppose it is quite a story these last 6 years. It really does seem surreal.

But it’s my story, and someday someone will read it that cares. I know after my dad and grandpa and sister died anything I could find that would give me a story about them that I didn’t know was cherished. I have kept calendars that were my sister just because she had silly notes, doodles and quotes on them. I found a diary that Natalie had and some of my father’s drawings. These are things that tell me about them, things that they would never share.

I am sharing with the world, but no one is really listening.


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