Archive for January, 2008

Just Another Post

This is just another post. I have been hiding out I suppose, although I hurt my back on my birthday last week and have been suffering with that, I went to the doc on Monday and she gave me some pain meds and said to stay home from work this week. Well of course that is close to impossible as I had several meetings. So I go into the office in the morning thinking I will leave early to go home and rest and take some meds, and of course it is almost impossible to leave, because of constant demands. I suppose I should have just said screw it and stayed home. But it’s a bad week to be home without anything to do.

I watched the movie Fast Food Nation on Sunday night. Bad move on my part. It was awful; I will never eat a hamburger again, and will probably never eat beef again. I was a vegetarian for years, when I was in my 20’s and early 30’s. Now I enjoy a nice rib eye and a big juicy burger. Well those days are gone. I am not going to go into the detail, but if you want to give up meat, watch the movie.

I am going to try and go to the cemetery on Friday; it will be 2 years since Natalie died. She is buried in her plot with her mother, and I have not put a headstone there yet. The problem is that I can only have one. Barbara’s is there and was designed by the kids; it has her picture etched into it. So I don’t want to get rid of it. However I can’t put 2 stones there, so I have 2 choices, add Natalie’s information to the bottom of Barbara’s stone… Or remove that stone and design one for the 2 of them. I would like to get this done; I think it will give me some peace. I wanted Jake and Candice to help me decide, Jake is not into it, and he is away at school. Candice said she would come with me if she wasn’t working, so at least I can get her input. I am inclined to just add to the existing stone, if there is room for her name, thee dates and line that reads “It’s all about the love”.

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This is a bad month for me. To many anniversary, birthdays, memories of sad things. The 16th was Nats birthday. That morning early maybe 2 or 3 am I dreamt about her. She came over and when she walked in the door I announced Nats here and went to her and gave her a big hug. The time before when I dreamt about her I woke myself up because I was scared. In my dream the phone was ringing, and as usual I let the answer machine pick up to screen. It was Natalie, she started to talk, and I started to panic. I woke myself up before I could pick up the phone. I was afraid to speak to her.

So for her birthday I made her favorite dish, Chicken Paprika. She loved it and I hardly ever made it because the ex was lactose intolerant and it needs sour cream. So I did it for her birthday and scooped out some for him before I added the sour cream. So I made it Wednesday with lots of sour cream and noodles. It was good. and the cooking was more healing than sad.

Candice and I finally spoke, she is coming over tonight so we can talk. She wants me to make up with Billy but I am not sure that I want to do any more than say I am sorry. I still think all those thing I said, I just wont say them any more.

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I did a really dumb thing Thursday night. I am not quite sure what made me snap, but I did. I think it is everything that is going on, it being the month of anniversaries of the horrible things. So there was then the straw that broke the camels back. I’m not even sure what it was.

I totally bitched out Candice’s boyfriend. They have been together over 2 years. They have had their rough patches, he came home with hickeys on his neck after being out with his friends once, drove home from his brothers at UCI so drunk that when he got to Candice’s he passed out in her bed and urinated, I cant stand the way he treats his mother, whom he still lives with, he is 27. I could go on, but the icing on the cake was when he quit his job late last summer. It was his first real job out of college, he was there less thank a year. A graphic designer he thinks he should be working for some big fashion agency. MEH. Any how so he decides he is better than this place, doesn’t like the commute he isn’t getting paid enough so he resigns. Needless to say he is still unemployed. Had some part time work, one job Candice got him. One job through an agency.

Its been bugging me. No one told him what a bad decision he made. He came over shortly after he quit and asked me to help him with his resume. I told him that with 1 year of experience he would never even get an interview, so we had to fluff up the experience on paper to at least get his foot in the door. So we did. I spent alot of time helping him with that resume.

But something snapped on Thursday. And I looked at him and started to tell him what an idiot he was or leaving his job, how he is not as good as he thinks he is, how disrespectful he is to his mother, how my daughter deserved better than him, and how he needed to grow up and get his own place. I went on and said lots of things that I shouldn’t have lots of things that are none of my business. He ranted back and said some awful things to me, Candice said he was defending himself. One highlight he told me was that I had never even seen his resume, I ask him if he forgot that I wrote it. Oh, but the agency he went to told him to take those things out. Well that’s cuz they are marketing him now. He is such an idiot.

I think deep inside I know that if Candice marries this guy, it will be a life of hell. He has a drinking problem, she has even admitted that to me that he doesn’t know when to stop. he has already had one DUI. He is disrespectful of his mother, bringing people over late at night to party (now that he is not working) when she has to get up the next day. Once they were at my house for a BBQ and she came into the kitchen and told me he had said she shouldn’t be wearing what she had on because it made her look fat. This woman is not fat. Maybe I am trying to protect her.

I apologized. I told Candice I was wrong. She was upset because of what his mom might think of me now. We always did things together as a family, but as he pointed out to me during the tirade, I am not his family. She hung up on me and now is not speaking to me. She is all I have, my niece that I raised as my daughter. Her sister is dead, she is now my best friend. It is killing me that she is so angry with me. It is killing me that I couldn’t keep my big mouth shut.

I was wrong, I know that. But I think all of it has been festering for several months. He is an arrogant kid, he needs a swift kick, I suppose I thought I should be the one. Well it was and is non of my business, and now I have alienated my sweet girl. I am sick. I haven’t been able to do anything but mope.

I need a hug.

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Its Sunday

Its still raining here. We have had rain since Friday, much needed rain. Yesterday it remained cloudy and strayed dry until in the evening when it began to rain again. I like the rain, so I am not complaining, and we need the rain.

Took Jake to the airport yesterday and put him on a plane for home. I always feel so alone when he goes back to school after a break. Today is no exception.

Last night I went to a place called The Summit House in Fullerton fora birthday dinner with D and the Brat. Candice went too which was nice. There were 14 of us, it was a 90th birthday celebration for D’s mom, who turned 90. She is amazing for her age. She looks 65 or 70, and is extremely alert and full of piss and vinegar.

I am really hungry for hamburger. So I am sitting here contemplating going out in the rain to do some grocery shopping, that is needed. Then driving through in and out for lunch.

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As Time Goes By

I wasn’t going to put up a post tonight. But I decided that I should, just because my mind has been whirring all day. With images and dialog about the last 20 years.

Today is the anniversary of my sisters death. The life changing event that brought me back to Southern California, and made me the mother of 3 children at the age of 35 overnight.

But as I thought more about it I realized that several life changing events have occurred over the years. The first being in 1986, my grandfather and father died and I made the decision to move to Lake Tahoe.

The second in 1996 when my sister died, and I had to come back and raise her three children, and the most recent in 2006 when Natalie died and my husband left me.

Here I am now. Its been a long trip.

I also started to convert my archives. Since I took down my other site My-Meadow, I have archives dating back to October of 2001. I want the whole history to be here. my life all in one place. Its neater that way. Don’t you think?

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