Archive for January, 2009

Happy Birthday Natalie

Today would have been Natalies 24th birthday.  I miss her, I spent so much time with her.  In the hospital, taking care of her, making sure she did her treatments. Then she grew up and I really couldn’t make her do anything, she had to want to do it. 

This is a hard month for me, 1/2 was the anniversayof my little sisters death, 1/16 is Nats birthday, mine is next week and then on 2/1 will be the 3rd anniversary of her death.  I shouldn’t have decided that tomorrow would be the day to start cleaning out moms house.  I have a bad feeling about this.

We do have a plan, Candice is coming with me and my uncle is going to come.  Not sure how much help he will be yet. So we will pack what can be given away, and throw away what won’t be and box what needs to be “gone through” papers and such.  She had lots of religious stuff that Candie thinks we should take to the church, thats fine.

Say a little prayer for me so that I can deal with tomorrow.  I also want to thank everyone who has been here and left supportive messages and thought you have no idea how much it means to me and how lonely I really am sometimes. Thank you friends.

Read Full Post »


I am making lists. Lists of things I need to do. Call Social Security, call the retirement people, pick up the mail, call the bank. pay the bills, go start cleaning out the house.  That is the hard one.  going back t the house to go through all moms stuff to get rid of and give or throw away.  That is the one thing that if I could avoid, or pay someone to do I would.  I would do anything to not have to go through her stuff.  But that is the one thing I can’t really pass off.

So next Saturday we are scheduled to start.  My uncle and Candice if she doesn’t blow me off  and I.  Mom didn’t have alot, she lived simply and gave away anything she didn’t want or need.  Sometime it was frustrating, she would give away everything then call me a few months later because she needed exactly what she gave away. It drove me crazy when she did that.

I am afraid to see how she lived up close, to find something that will upset me, to remember something that will hurt.  My mother would not let me do anything except buy her groceries for the last 6 years, she wouldn’t let me  come in and clean her house, or have her oven fixed, she was paranoid of anyone in her house.  So we bought her a toaster over instead.  Some of the cousins of hers a the memorial said they would stop by to see her and she wouldn’t let them in, they talked to her through the door. 

He house was scary to me. She had pictures of starving children with no arms taped to the wall that the missionaries would send her, statues of the virgin mary and the pope and saints she prayed to.  He life was dedicated to god, although she hadn’t been to church in years and years. She gave almost all her money away to various groups, as I must have intercepted mail from at least 25 and wrote deceased on it and sent it back.  Deceased, perhaps they will take her off the mailing lists and stop asking for money.  She refused to get insurance on her house, its paid for, but she could send all he meger retirement to the children with no arms.  I am not sure that I agree with that.  I told her many times, God helps those who help  themselves.

I have alot of anger at her.  When Natalie was sick, and I was working and running to the hospital after work, and taking care of 2 other kids and a husband who didn’t understand why I had to go visit Nat in the hospital, my mother would call and ask me to do things for her.  Not call and offer to help me, not realize that maybe the christlike thing to do would be to stop praying and start doing.  No she didn’t get it.  When Natalie died, instead of consoling me she was angry that I didn’t call her the exact moment of her death, she was angry that I allowed all her friends to be there with her when she left us.  She didn’t come to the services, she didn’t even go to her own mothers service, she was angry about that too because we had invited the family and people she loved.  

My uncle keeps telling me to try and remeber the good stuff and frankly there is not alot of good stuff really to remember.  So its hard, and I feel guilty. But she was sick, mentally ill and I have to forgive her becuase she did not know what she was doing.

Read Full Post »