Second weekend in March. Its been a busy couple weeks, I got sick with a horrible cold, my cousin came into town last weekend, we celebrated M’s birthday SAturday night at the CC BBQ place. C showed up with D, and I have been so angry with her for not contacting me for my birthday or Nats birthday or anniversary of her death. I said some things I shouldn’t have, then sent her an e-mail the next day basically letting her know how I am feeling, something I have been holding in for weeks.
This is what I said:
It was good to see you Saturday night, I was feeling awful (still am), I have had a horrible cold for several days, and should not have tried to deal with my feelings at the table, for that I am sorry. I should not have even gone to dinner that night.
I need you to understand that I am incredibly hurt and disappointed in the fact that you did not make any real effort to spend some time with me for my birthday, or Natalie’s birthday or the anniversary of Natalie’s death. Leaving me a message on the house phone (which does not work, I can only use the phone and it doesn’t keep a very good charge, and I can’t retrieve messages, I have 25 on there now) was just leaving a message. I texted you about coming for dinner several times and you never even responded. It hurt me deeply. I feel as if I have lost both my daughters and I have been holding on to that hurt for over a month.
We have always in the past tried to spend some family time together during this period, and now that J is home it seems even more important to have some family time occasionally.
I know you are busy, but you always seemed to make time before, I remember cooking for Billy, his mom, your friends, A, C, it seems that you were over a lot even when you were busy you made time to spend together. When you wanted a big birthday party at the Fern house I threw you one.
I am always there when you need me, when you needed help last year with your Landlords and the City, when your computer broke I helped you with a new one. Sometimes I feel like this is a one way relationship, and you are there when you need me otherwise its when it is convenient for you.
I want to have a relationship with you, but I don’t want to be the one always making the calls, always initiating the get together. I think it’s only fair that we meet half way, both of us making an effort. I have told you that I would come to Venice for dinner, or lunch, but I never get an invitation. I am not sure what type of relationship you want anymore.
So I am putting it out there, I am reaching out. I have told you how hurt I am, HURT not mad. Deeply hurt. I hope that you can see that we are a family, a small one, but a family. You need to understand that and not forget about us.
I hope that you will think about this and decide what kind or relationship you want with us. I think with a family it’s not just about love, it’s about respect and commitment. I think respecting what I have done for you and J and Natalie, and the commitment I made to you is important. I have respected the decisions you have made and not judged them, I have tried to be supportive and there when you needed me. I am not perfect.
I hope that I will hear from you very soon, and that you will come over for dinner so that we can make peace with each other and move forward.
So that being said, I have not heard a peep from her. But to be honest I feel better just being able to get that pain off my chest. To be able to tell her how I felt. If she doesn’t care, then ok. But I am not holding it in anymore.
This weekend is Teacher Training, so I am hoping for a good session and seeing my sangha, and having some laughs. I wish it was raining today, I would go back to bed. But it isn’t and it is going to be a beautiful day so I suppose I should make the best of it. I am finally getting over my cold.