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Archive for the ‘death’ Category

9 years ago

ncj

2006 was not a good year for me.  All kinds of bad things happened.  In the first week of January my husband left me for another woman.  Then Natalie was hospitalized in chronic rejection and infection of her new lungs.  She died on Feb 1.  It was a rough time at work, but to top it off on Labor day I broke up a scuffle with puppy Daisy, she was a bout a year old, and Sprocket. I was bit by Sprocket, accident.  The bone was nicked, and I ended up with a bone infection, in the hospital for 10 days then 3 months of intravenous antibiotics.  Needless to say I was glad when that year was over.

Fast forward to today.  Its Super Bowl Sunday,  I never watch. I had coffee with Dianne and then ran a few errands and paid bills.  I thought I needed to write, to just remember to be grateful today for what I think will be a good year. I have a retreat planned in July, and hope to do the leaf peeping tour of Vermont in October.  I have learned to let go of things I can’t control, sort of.

And last year which was a good year.  Work was ok, we took a nice trip to the San Juan Islands in Washington, I traveled to the foothills of the Sierra Nevada Mountains several times to visit an old friend.  I taught chair yoga to cancer patients, and continued my yoga and ayurveda studies.

But time goes by so fast. Daisy is getting older, she is 10 now, Roscoe is also showing his age at 13, and I too am getting older even though I really don’t feel older.

So I look forward to this year, I have learned that it can always be worse.

 

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If you could chose how you were to die would you? If you knew, definitively that you would be meeting your maker within, seconds or minutes or even hours, and you had a choice of flying into the hands of God instead of burning to death, or being crushed or suffocated, would you?

Today we remember 911. I remember the images, the plane hitting the tower, played over and over. I remember thinking that’s weird, why would they be flying so close? Then the second plane hit and my heart sank and I burst into tears with the realization of what was happening.  The images of the towers burning, the firemen and police everywhere, and then of images of people jumping from the horror that awaited them, flying into the arms of God, those images horrified me because I knew they were trying to create a fate less terrifying than the fate that awaited them. I can’t imagine what they were hearing, seeing, feeling when the decision was made. And then of the towers collapsing, of people running, dust everywhere.

I never judged these people who made this choice, I thought to myself I would probably do the same.  But I think those images affected me the most, and caused me to reflect.

Today I read an article about the falling man.  I had no idea there was so much controversy over these images, I know that the media stopped showing the towers falling every few minutes and the people falling from the towers, after a day or two because they were so disturbing.  There was a mission to put a name to the face of the falling man. Maybe they did.

 

 

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Pedometer

Well this morning low and behold I found my pedometer once again. This is the second time I have lost then found it.  I think its an omen, which is good since I am starting walking during lunch today! 

My eating the last 2 days hasn’t been great but its been pretty good. I am bound and determined that by March 1 I will see a difference on that scale.  Tonight I have a yoga class too. 

I made it through yesterday.  I went to the cemetery for the first time in 5 years.  It wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be.

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Tears

Somedays I just want to cry.  I don’t even know why, whats going on in my head but I feel sad.  Lately this has been happening alot, I think that it is part of the reason I can’t get motivated.  I will think about Natalie, and my divorce, bear my wonder lab who has been gone for 7 years, almost any thing will suck me into this place of despair.  Then I worry, I worry about any animal I see that isn’t being properly cared for, I worry about the animals in the shelters, the baby birds that fall out of their nests,  then the polar bears and the penguins.  Should I go on?  I even worry about my dogs if something were to happen to me.  And I want to cry but alot of times the tears don’t come, or I am afraid if they do that they will never ever stop. 

Lately I have been having dreams, almost every night about my ex-husband.  In the dreams I am always trying to get him to come back to me.  He never does, sometimes I have to wake myself up just to stop the pain, the sadness, the desperation that I have in the dream. The problem is when I wake up its still there.  I keep telling myself I am happy, that I am lucky, that everything is fine.  People ask me why would you want that man back? he was awful to you!  I guess because loneliness is almost as bad.   He would never come back anyway.  He left me emotionally  a long time before he actually left.  He is gone forever.  It is best. I need to pick myself up and get on with my life.

I scheduled my surgery for August 7.  Keep your fingers crossed. No pun intended.

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Happy Thoughts

Hey mom! Let sprock in!

Having a bad day.  It’s work.  There are some underhanded, unethical things going on and not much I can do about it, if I say something they will make my life miserable, or worse.  So I need to turn the other cheek, and think about happy things. 

I am also sad about Duck.  It’s amazing how we meet in the blogsphere, hear stories about relationships, learn to care about people, then they are gone. You have never met them, but when they leave it breaks your heart. 

I spent alot of time at one point on various blogs about cancer survivors, and one I found about a guy with ALS.  I started reading his right about the time he was diagnosed, in early 2004.  I think reading about others stuggle with their illness, helped put my struggle, with Natalie, in perspective.  In the last few months I have been back to these blogs, and discovered that both the bloggers had died.  It hit me so hard.  I had stopped reading them much after Natalies death.  So I wasn’t prepared.

Well, so much for happy thoughts.  Well today is my friday. That’s a happy thought.  And my doggy picture makes me smile! 

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Just Another Post

This is just another post. I have been hiding out I suppose, although I hurt my back on my birthday last week and have been suffering with that, I went to the doc on Monday and she gave me some pain meds and said to stay home from work this week. Well of course that is close to impossible as I had several meetings. So I go into the office in the morning thinking I will leave early to go home and rest and take some meds, and of course it is almost impossible to leave, because of constant demands. I suppose I should have just said screw it and stayed home. But it’s a bad week to be home without anything to do.

I watched the movie Fast Food Nation on Sunday night. Bad move on my part. It was awful; I will never eat a hamburger again, and will probably never eat beef again. I was a vegetarian for years, when I was in my 20’s and early 30’s. Now I enjoy a nice rib eye and a big juicy burger. Well those days are gone. I am not going to go into the detail, but if you want to give up meat, watch the movie.

I am going to try and go to the cemetery on Friday; it will be 2 years since Natalie died. She is buried in her plot with her mother, and I have not put a headstone there yet. The problem is that I can only have one. Barbara’s is there and was designed by the kids; it has her picture etched into it. So I don’t want to get rid of it. However I can’t put 2 stones there, so I have 2 choices, add Natalie’s information to the bottom of Barbara’s stone… Or remove that stone and design one for the 2 of them. I would like to get this done; I think it will give me some peace. I wanted Jake and Candice to help me decide, Jake is not into it, and he is away at school. Candice said she would come with me if she wasn’t working, so at least I can get her input. I am inclined to just add to the existing stone, if there is room for her name, thee dates and line that reads “It’s all about the love”.

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It’s all surreal

It’s been a long week at work, even though Monday was actually a holiday. I had a bad cold last weekend, so going back to work still kinds sick, took its toll on me. Plus there were so many meetings and a lot of snark to deal with.

I need to post more. Sometimes, I write a post in my head, just to get it out. It helps, sometimes I feel as if I am afraid to write down these feelings. That they will start and the flood will finally come. I am not ready for the flood. I am dealing with individual things.

Like the fact I really miss Natalie right now. She hated turkey and so at least 2 weeks before Thanksgiving she would start her speech about how we should have ham instead. She would whine, and beg, and find me coupons for ham. Anything please but no turkey! We always had turkey and she ate lots of mashed potatoes.

I also miss being married, I don’t miss the asshole, but I miss the traditions. Baking pies on Wednesday night and drinking champagne. Over the years we actually came up with our own recipe for bourbon pecan pie that is quite good. I also miss the company, the physical body.

It’s fair, its expected, I am allowed.

Actually I realized that since last year and much of this was so chaotic I never grieved my losses. It’s a lot of work to grieve, so now that I don’t have the distractions of going through a divorce, the sale of a house, the purchase of a house, 3 surgeries, not to mention burying Nat. Now that life is clicking along, it starts to come forward. That’s why when I start to write, like now, the tears start too. Cuz I guess I really need to cry.

I also miss my-meadow. I took it down finally, 6 years I have been writing here and there. I want to convert the archives, but have no energy to do so. I have them to read when I need to. I suppose it is quite a story these last 6 years. It really does seem surreal.

But it’s my story, and someday someone will read it that cares. I know after my dad and grandpa and sister died anything I could find that would give me a story about them that I didn’t know was cherished. I have kept calendars that were my sister just because she had silly notes, doodles and quotes on them. I found a diary that Natalie had and some of my father’s drawings. These are things that tell me about them, things that they would never share.

I am sharing with the world, but no one is really listening.

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