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Archive for the ‘sadness’ Category

altar daisy

It has almost been 2 years since I last posted here.  I never meant to be away so long.  Today I decided to do a short update, life has been sad.  I lost my heart, my sweet Daisy to hemangiosarcoma on June 12th.  She had her spleen removed in October of ’16, and they said maybe 3-6 months.  She made it almost 8.  I thought she would live forever. The house has changed without her here. So much quieter.  Roscoe is 16, almost 17 and Mouse is older too.  Life seems almost suspended.

We just made it through an 8 day heat wave of over 100 degree temperatures, I thought I was going to melt for sure.  Yesterday it was 92, I never thought I would be happy for 90 degree weather.  My electric bill is going to be epic.

Roscoe had a bout with Canine Vestibular Syndrome, I thought I was losing him too, but he seems to be bouncing back.  He is still not back to his old self, but at least he can now walk.

It seems a little pointless to recount the last two years in terms of catching up.  Life has been the same, with its ups and downs.  Perhaps a more frequent check in here is a good idea, after all this blog really is for me to document things so I can remember what happen. Anyone who joins me is welcome and along for the ride.

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If you could chose how you were to die would you? If you knew, definitively that you would be meeting your maker within, seconds or minutes or even hours, and you had a choice of flying into the hands of God instead of burning to death, or being crushed or suffocated, would you?

Today we remember 911. I remember the images, the plane hitting the tower, played over and over. I remember thinking that’s weird, why would they be flying so close? Then the second plane hit and my heart sank and I burst into tears with the realization of what was happening.  The images of the towers burning, the firemen and police everywhere, and then of images of people jumping from the horror that awaited them, flying into the arms of God, those images horrified me because I knew they were trying to create a fate less terrifying than the fate that awaited them. I can’t imagine what they were hearing, seeing, feeling when the decision was made. And then of the towers collapsing, of people running, dust everywhere.

I never judged these people who made this choice, I thought to myself I would probably do the same.  But I think those images affected me the most, and caused me to reflect.

Today I read an article about the falling man.  I had no idea there was so much controversy over these images, I know that the media stopped showing the towers falling every few minutes and the people falling from the towers, after a day or two because they were so disturbing.  There was a mission to put a name to the face of the falling man. Maybe they did.

 

 

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Pedometer

Well this morning low and behold I found my pedometer once again. This is the second time I have lost then found it.  I think its an omen, which is good since I am starting walking during lunch today! 

My eating the last 2 days hasn’t been great but its been pretty good. I am bound and determined that by March 1 I will see a difference on that scale.  Tonight I have a yoga class too. 

I made it through yesterday.  I went to the cemetery for the first time in 5 years.  It wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be.

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Birthdays

This is a bad month for me. To many anniversary, birthdays, memories of sad things. The 16th was Nats birthday. That morning early maybe 2 or 3 am I dreamt about her. She came over and when she walked in the door I announced Nats here and went to her and gave her a big hug. The time before when I dreamt about her I woke myself up because I was scared. In my dream the phone was ringing, and as usual I let the answer machine pick up to screen. It was Natalie, she started to talk, and I started to panic. I woke myself up before I could pick up the phone. I was afraid to speak to her.

So for her birthday I made her favorite dish, Chicken Paprika. She loved it and I hardly ever made it because the ex was lactose intolerant and it needs sour cream. So I did it for her birthday and scooped out some for him before I added the sour cream. So I made it Wednesday with lots of sour cream and noodles. It was good. and the cooking was more healing than sad.

Candice and I finally spoke, she is coming over tonight so we can talk. She wants me to make up with Billy but I am not sure that I want to do any more than say I am sorry. I still think all those thing I said, I just wont say them any more.

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Grinchy

I am feeling extremely grouchy the last couple days. I have also had some pretty awful nightmares. Not sure if it’s the holidays, p.m.s., or just life. This year I decided to do nothing for the people at work. I exchange with 2 people here, have for years, so only did that. I used to take my whole staff out for lunch on my dime somewhere nice. But this year I just said forget it, it just seems like a lot of effort that not everyone appreciates. So Bah Humbug.

I think talking to my ex-husband on Monday night probably didn’t help my mood either. He is so nonchalant. Like nothing ever happened. Before he said good-bye he said well I guess I will see you on Sunday when I pick up Jake. Yea right in your dreams! It tortures me to see him, to talk to him. I didn’t want to be divorced; I don’t suppose he gets that. He might move to Hong Kong for a couple years for work, I say please go, the farther the better, less chance of ever having to run into you or talk.

I did finish my Christmas cards. I can’t believe I actually got through that exercise. So everything is done, one gift to buy menus to plan and shop for Christmas Eve and day, then all the gifts to wrap.

I have been giving Daisy her allergy shots very 4 days. It seems like they might be working. She is not licking her paws as much. I hope so, as she really seemed miserable for awhile there.

I am trying to keep up with this site a little more. I think it helps to keep me grounded.

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It’s all surreal

It’s been a long week at work, even though Monday was actually a holiday. I had a bad cold last weekend, so going back to work still kinds sick, took its toll on me. Plus there were so many meetings and a lot of snark to deal with.

I need to post more. Sometimes, I write a post in my head, just to get it out. It helps, sometimes I feel as if I am afraid to write down these feelings. That they will start and the flood will finally come. I am not ready for the flood. I am dealing with individual things.

Like the fact I really miss Natalie right now. She hated turkey and so at least 2 weeks before Thanksgiving she would start her speech about how we should have ham instead. She would whine, and beg, and find me coupons for ham. Anything please but no turkey! We always had turkey and she ate lots of mashed potatoes.

I also miss being married, I don’t miss the asshole, but I miss the traditions. Baking pies on Wednesday night and drinking champagne. Over the years we actually came up with our own recipe for bourbon pecan pie that is quite good. I also miss the company, the physical body.

It’s fair, its expected, I am allowed.

Actually I realized that since last year and much of this was so chaotic I never grieved my losses. It’s a lot of work to grieve, so now that I don’t have the distractions of going through a divorce, the sale of a house, the purchase of a house, 3 surgeries, not to mention burying Nat. Now that life is clicking along, it starts to come forward. That’s why when I start to write, like now, the tears start too. Cuz I guess I really need to cry.

I also miss my-meadow. I took it down finally, 6 years I have been writing here and there. I want to convert the archives, but have no energy to do so. I have them to read when I need to. I suppose it is quite a story these last 6 years. It really does seem surreal.

But it’s my story, and someday someone will read it that cares. I know after my dad and grandpa and sister died anything I could find that would give me a story about them that I didn’t know was cherished. I have kept calendars that were my sister just because she had silly notes, doodles and quotes on them. I found a diary that Natalie had and some of my father’s drawings. These are things that tell me about them, things that they would never share.

I am sharing with the world, but no one is really listening.

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PMS


Yea, its that week again. The week I get weepy, bitchy and hungry. If I could come up with 4 other words I could call it PMS and the seven moods. The weepy started a couple days ago when I started to miss being married. Yea I know I’m crazy. I don’t miss the ex, I miss the companionship, then the bitchy hit today at work with some people are just so lame they should be fired. The hungry has been going on also for a couple days. Usually by the time my period starts most of these symptoms wil lbe gone, but that won’t be until the middle of next week!

So next week I am only working one day, which will be nice. A bit of a vacation. Although I am not going anywhere. Hopefully I will feel like doing stuff, and not just laying around and veging.

This weekend not many plans, tonight sushi with the kids, tomorrow I am taking my car in for service, Saturday a Dodger game and nothing on Sunday. Cuz the bithchiness has arrived I am not looking forward to the game where I will have to deal with the “kid”. Although my kid is going to so I will sandwhich myself between him and D for safety.

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